| Coping with Loss and Grief as a Family
 Many of you have asked how to discuss a death and loss with your children.
Talking to children about death or loss should always be geared to their developmental level and their ability to understand the details of the situation. As you decide how and what to discuss with your child, we hope these ideas and resources will be helpful.
Ideas for Parents
Attend to your own feelings of loss.
It can be very difficult to deal with a distraught child when you are grieving yourself. It's hard to provide for our children whar we don't have ourselves. Take time to care for yourself and doing your own grieving. Finding someone you can talk with, getting enough rest and exercise, finding "down time" --- these are all ways you can help yourself so that you are ready to support your child.
Keep things simple and factual.
Think about the facts surrounding the loss. Decide ahead of time how much you will share with your child and what you will say. It's OK to not have all the answers. When your child asks you a question you can't answer, "I'm not sure," or "I wonder about that, too," are very acceptable answers.
Be a good listener.
Allow time for children to discuss this more than once. Everyone, including children, will need time to process their feelings and talk things through. Young children, especially, may ask the same questions over and over.
Be a good observer of your children.
Just as we adults have a variety of responses, your children's responses will be unique. Some children will take the news in stride; others may experience a deeper sense of loss. Children are very tuned into emotions of the important adults in their lives. If parents are experiencing strong emotions or trauma, children may mirror that anxiety.
Worship together as a family.
During times of transition and change, the very best thing we can do for ourselves and for our children is to gather as a community to worship and be fed by the God who loves us more than we can know.
Say your prayers.
During your family prayer time, bring your concerns to God. Don't be afraid to name your own feelings of grief or loss. Give your children time to offer their own prayers as well. If it's difficult to pray right now, try lighting a candle.
Ask for help if you need it.
If you find that you or your children are overwhelmed by these events, it's important to find someone to talk to. Any traumatic event can bring up significant losses or traumas from the past. The Rev. Christie Demura, our associate priest for pastoral care, is an excellent resource and very willing to meet with anyone who is struggling with a loss. You can also reach her by calling the church office, (425) 746-6650.
Resources on the Internet
Helping Children with Death. This article, written by Fred Rogers, well-known children's advocate and Presbyterian minister, contains gentle, support for ideas for parents as they discuss a death with their children. Geared toward preschool/early elementary, but helpful for other ages.
Children and Death. A thoughtful selection of books, suggested prayers and other resources for parents and children are offered. Barbara Laufersweiler and her website, Faith-at-Home, are wonderful resources with an Episcopal, liturgical, Godly Play perspective to parenting. This website is highly recommended.
The National Association of School Psychologists. This website was created after the events of September 11th. It has useful information about how children of different ages experience grief, common expressions of grief and tips for parents in helping their children cope.
Talaris Research Institute. This interactive timeline of typical child development is filled with information about the stages of social-emotional growth. You find articles about how children express feelings and how they learn to relate to others.
Books for Children and Adults
Tear Soup. This affirming story, a recipe for healing after loss, is a family book that centers around an old and somewhat wise woman, Grandy. Grandy has just suffered a big loss in her life and so she is headed to the kitchen to make a special batch of Tear Soup. There she chooses the size pot that is just right for her...
And God Cried Too. Rabbi Marc Gellman offers stories for sustenance in And God Cried, Too: A Kid's Book of Healing and Hope. The collection stars Mikey, a "guardian-angel-in-training" and his teacher, "chief angel," Gabe. Each chapter is based on one of Mikey's questions (i.e. "What if nothing makes any sense?" and "What can I do when I'm afraid?"); A "Things to think about" section sums up each chapter. Search inside this book
 Lost and Found. Marc Gellman, a rabbi, and Thomas Hartman, a Roman Catholic priest, explore issues of loss for elementary-and middle-school students, and for parents who want to discuss such concerns with their children. Their informal text incorporates lots of examples children can relate to as well as relevant excerpts from sources such as Winnie the Pooh and Sarah Dessen's teen novel, That Summer. They begin with discussion of "small" losses--a missing toy, a friend's moving away--and proceed to losses of greater magnitude, such as divorce or the death of a loved one. Search inside this book
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. Because the life cycle of animals is so short, it's usually the first death a child experiences. This is the story of a small boy who is trying to understand and recover from his cat's death. Judith Viorst is honest and authentic in her approach. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney has been around since 1975 and is still considered one of the very best books on the subject of death for young children.
 Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. This book by Tomie dePaola, is a heartwarming but sad story about love among the generations and facing the reality that death is part of the cycle of life. Its gentle approach that can help children and encourage them upon the loss of a relative to hold and cherish those memories of wonderful times together.
A collection of children's books about death and dying from Teaching Heart.
A exhaustive list of recommended books about death and grief for children and adolescents from Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center. The list is sorted by age.
More Resources for Parents
For information on other parenting topics, please visit the Resources for Parents page. If you need additional assistance, please contact the the church office via e-mail or by calling (425) 746-6650.
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